


Spaces

by ObsidianRomance



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drabble, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Mpreg Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-31
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-02-23 07:48:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2540000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsidianRomance/pseuds/ObsidianRomance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are things that fill up the spaces of Sam and Dean's mind and heart. Sometimes those things go away and leave a void and it takes a long time before one can fill it again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spaces

Out of all the things in Sam and Dean’s life together, all the things they couldn’t have predicted, this one moment seems to have remained hidden and left unregistered.

It is simple really, because it should have been one of the most obvious concerns and Dean thinks, maybe, that’s why they hadn’t planned on it. It was, in itself, all too human. It was a matter of statistics and biology, the type of cruelty that strayed too far away from their realm of all things unnatural that they spent too much time bogged down in.

Dean’s realizing their misstep about two footfalls too late, like almost everything that hits him in the heart.

It’s a worry that should have been on their radar but it hadn’t factored into any of their planning because they were too busy coming up with a plan of attack against everything and anything, except for one thing. It’s too bad that plan didn’t include Sam himself.

They’d been through enough wars, earned battle scars that healed and were reopened. Things couldn’t go on like this forever and when Sam unexpectedly turned up pregnant, they both figured it was the kick in the ass they needed to remember they paid their dues. There was a sliver of a chance at life for the two of them and they were going to take it.

No matter how fucked up the world thought they were, or how fucked up they actually are, they were family. They were home, And a kid? That wasn’t part of the plan but it forced its way into their life just like any Winchester would. It was there and Sam and Dean wanted it.

They made new plans, ones that involved Sam’s growing pregnant belly and the baby in it. They bought furniture and little onesies with the stupidest designs Dean had ever seen but he couldn’t stop himself from smiling at them when he realized they were for _his_ kid. They shacked up in the bunker and warded the crap out of a spare room before nesting like crazy and putting the nursery together.

They had fears and concerns, worries that things that go bump in the night would go bump for their child. Dean was ready for that. His fingers twitched at the thought that, now, he’d die for more than just Sam. What he isn’t ready for is blood and pain and Sam months away from his due date and gasping like his lungs are gone again.

Dean’s never going to get it out of his head because most of the walls of his memories are stained with Sam’s blood but this time there is a wash of their child’s darkening his thoughts. It’s over before he can do anything about it. In the end, the doctors tell them both it’s all over, that it wasn’t anything they did. It wasn’t anything _anyone_ did. It wasn’t a ghost or a demon.

It was nature.

It was Sam’s body.

It was just a baby who wasn’t meant to be and of all the things they should have prepared for, they hadn’t even let the thought of a naturally occurring miscarriage enter their minds. Once they knew Sam was pregnant, they’d gotten too caught up in imagining their child and wanting him or her in their life that they never thought about the human element to pregnancy.

Dean hates himself a little for that. He hates that he let his heart latch onto their baby before it was even here. Now he’s left with a Sam shaped shell who keeps staring at his hands like they’re still covered in their child’s blood and he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t trust himself enough to comfort Sam because things are _not_ okay and he can’t lie to pretend they are.

He’s like that for a while, a Dean shaped shell to match his brother.

Then one day, their shells crack. They’re not better. Far from it. But they need to breathe and things in the room they now refuse to call the nursery won’t let them get oxygen into their lungs.

There is a lot of money invested in all the baby items filling the room but Sam doesn’t care. He wants it gone because even if they do have another baby, he doesn’t want to saddle their kid with things they bought for a dead sibling. They’ll buy new stuff, the kind without a bloodbath attached to them.

So they gather up the clothing, furniture and toys and throw them out. It’s like the miscarriage all over again because their purging their lives from all things baby related. Their hearts ache and Dean’s eyes are wet as they pack up a life that never had a chance to exist. Their child meant so much to them and the fact that the last remnants of its existence are tossed to the curb wrench and ugly sob from Sam.

Dean’s fingers dance over a onesie that never truly belonged to anyone but he’d pictured a chubby cheeked Winchester donning that particular one on several occasions. He bites his lip and lets it go so Sam can let go.

They just let go.

It’s as simple as that and it makes them feel guilty.

But it’s better and they’re not shells anymore. They remember that they are human and very human things can still happen to them.

They’re scared to acknowledge that but it’s true. Healing is slow but it happens. It works because despite Sam having serious thoughts about never trying again, he does. Dean does.

They know the risks but they do it anyway.

This time, they’re prepared for heartache but hoping for happiness.

They might get it. They might not.

But Sam’s pregnant and Dean’s terrified.

And happy.

Sam too.

Sam’s human, and his body has to decide how to handle things. This time, Sam knows that. He knows the statistics and that there are no absolutisms. He also knows that things have a shot at working out.

Dean doesn’t buy anything because he can’t bring himself to. And that’s okay. Because they threw out one life already and there’s time to buy things when there is a new one. New, happy, soft things.

Things that doesn’t replace but fill the same void.

Dean thinks, he can deal with that.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi y'all. I've been feeling majorly depressed and in a dark place from all the events in my life. I promise you that the next chapter of "Earning a Miracle" is mostly written but it is a happy chapter and I can't get my head there right now. I've been busy cleaning out my uncle's house and throwing things, pieces of his life, away. It's been pretty hard but it has to be done. Because of that, I felt like writing some major angsty stuff about the idea of just throwing away the things that make up someones lives.  
> *sigh*
> 
> XOXO


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